simulacrum of life

take a DEEP breath
jump off the edge and slice into the water
kick, kick, kick, pull (and repeat)
work your way into the inky depths of the ocean
your head begins to pound lightly
you soldier on
you reach the bottom
you feel your sight being overwhelmed
by the visions surrounding you
the pounding increases
do you stay or do you go?
you decide to stay a while longer
the tempo increases
your body throbs as one
oxygen starved body
working to get every bit of oxygen it can
enough is enough
you decide to surface
you scissor through the liquid wall above you
lungs burning
you shoot to the surface
it can't be soon enough
you break through the barrier
open your mouth wide and gulp air
pant... pant... pant...

one more time?!?!

the days
clouded in haze
sunlight barely filtering through.

the nights
seem so long
uncomfortably tossing and turning.

all i need
is clear, sweet air
to fill these lungs

it's interesting how sometimes a day can be made or broken by a phonecall being made or not made. thank you for making my day :)

watching, waiting
running, leaping
soaring, tumbling
twisting, turning
inhale, exhale
landing, walking

the edge creeps closer
fly or fall?
live or die?
exhilaration or destitution?

place one foot in front of the other
and stumble along
prance lightly with feathery steps
it doesn't matter
i'll do it all over again
for it's all the same

i love you

got this off a blog

LAYER ONE:
– Name: what did i sign off as? ah yes, satchithananda (that is what i shall be called when i retire to the himalayas and become a yogi who has attained enlightenment)
– Birth date: september 28th
– Birthplace: singapore
– Current Location: singapore
– Eye Color: brown
– Hair Color: brown on my head, black on my face with bits of red (god knows how they got there)
– Height: 175cm
– Righty or Lefty: righty
– Zodiac Sign: libra

LAYER TWO:
– Your heritage: telugu, tamil, rajasthani and maybe other unknown things
– The shoes you wore today: green havaianas
– Your weakness: the right smile
– Your fears: that my loved ones will die before I do (had a nightmare about this once. something like 9/11 happened at my wedding reception and i was the only 1 who survived, and i think i was on the verge of killing myself when i woke up :s)
– Your perfect pizza: made by my own 2 hands, thin and puffy and topped with oodles of fresh stringy buffalo milk mozzarella
– Goal you’d like to achieve: what are goals?

LAYER THREE:
– Your most overused phrase on AIM: ahh ok (or variations of it)
– Your first waking thoughts: :D
– Your best physical feature: eyes and lips
– Your most missed memory: oi!! that's not a 3rd layer question, so i'm not sharing :Þ

LAYER FOUR:
– Pepsi or Coke: coke
– McDonald’s or Burger King: neither?
– Single or group dates: depends on who
– Adidas or Nike: adidas
– Lipton Iced Tea or Nestea: masala chai :Þ
– Chocolate or vanilla: dark semi sweet chocolate
– Cappuccino or coffee: only diff for me betw the 2 is the foam, because i have at least as much in my coffee

LAYER FIVE: (Do/Did you…)
– Smoke: tried it
– Cuss: hmm.. have even had my cussing made fun of :P
– Sing: in the shower
– Take a shower everyday: i try not to in an effort to save water. if someone would share showers with me, i might have them everyday because then i might not feel so guilty. takers? ;)
– Think you’ve been in love: yea
– Want to go to college: not again.
– Like high school: not particularly
– Want to get married: yub yub
– Believe in yourself: Most days.
– Get motion sickness: no. and that would ruin alot of things i have planned for later. ;)
– Think you’re attractive: on some days
– Think you’re a health freak: no way
– Get along with your parent(s): yes lucky me. they can be difficult, but they’re not psycho like some others i know.
– Like thunderstorms: yupsie. and i like doing particular things while it’s raging outside the window *cough*
– Play an instrument: learnt the tabla. am willing to play just about any percussion instrument. all you need is a sense of rhythm after all.

LAYER SIX: (In the past month, have you…)
– Had alcohol: no
– Smoked: no.
– Done a drug: no.
– Made Out: i need a volunteer!!!
– Gone on a date: no. i only go on non-dates and fake dates :Þ
– Gone to the mall: yup.
– Eaten an entire box of Oreos: no.
– Eaten sushi: no, but i really wouldn't mind some sashimi sometime soon
– Been on stage: no
– Been dumped: no
– Gone skating: no
– Made homemade cookies: no
– Gone skinny dipping: no
– Dyed your hair: no
– Stolen Anything: no

(note on the layer six: i don't think i'm that boring. just that it only asks about the past month)

LAYER SEVEN: (Have you ever…)
– Played a game that required removal of clothing: yea
– Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yea.. and nearly walked into a fight
– Been called a tease: no
– Gotten beat up: no
– Shoplifted: yea
– Changed who you were to fit in: don't we all, at least a wee bit?

LAYER EIGHT:
– Age you are hoping to be married: when i am ready
– Numbers and Names of Children: i wanna have anandas for boys (e.g. satchithANANDA, premANANDA) but have doubts as to whether the wife would be ok with it. or we could just name them according to hindu astrology
–Describe your Dream Wedding: our families, and something small, sweet and simple (haha.. fat hope of that happening :Þ ever seen a SMALL or SIMPLE traditional indian wedding?)
– How do you want to die: painlessly and with my dignity intact. i am hoping that euthanasia would be legal by then, to help me with it
– Where you want to go to college: not again
– What do you want to be when you grow up: happy
– What country would you most like to visit: you cannot ask a travel whore to choose ONE country.. i refuse to choose!!

LAYER NINE:
– Number of drugs taken illegally: can you include people as drugs?
– Number of people I could trust with my life: quite a few, really.
– Number of CDs that I own: i'm not very organised with my CDs
– Number of piercings: 3
– Number of tattoos: none
– Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: 3 or 4 times i think.
– Number of scars on my body: with stitches, 1. other sorta scars, like pimples and all. MANY
– Number of things in my past that I regret: a few things. :(

(if you've seen the meme that i used as my template, let me just say that all answers that have been left the same are absolutely intentional. can i help it that the person wrote my answers for me?!?!)

would she say yes or would she say no? none of those who'd come before had said no. he watched on with his heart beating with increasing tempo as every step he took, brought him closer to her. why did a distance of a couple of feet take sooo long to traverse? the thumping of his heart was beginning to reverberate through his body. he could begin to feel THAT vein in his forehead begin to throb. beads of perspiration formed on his freshly shaved upper lip. he remembered amma telling him to PLEASE shave off his moustache and goatee so that he would make a favorable impression. he reached up and with the back of his left hand, wiped off the sweat, as he took the final step towards her. she peered at him curiously, giving him the once over. would he pass or would he fail the inspection? he'd fall into her arms if she didn't pass the verdict within the next few seconds. "please proceed to customs after collecting your bag, and have a good day" she says, as she stamps his passport.

dark and treacly
smooth and velvety
a contrast against the pinkness of my tongue
how will i remove this dhrishti pottu*
on the tip of my tongue?

the chips pour into my mouth
the cold courses through my teeth
as they begin to melt
my tongue tingles with sensations
previously unknown
how i long to share it

it darts out
probing and flicking
serpentine in nature
sensory overload ensues
sending shivers down my spine

* a black dot applied with liquid eyeliner to a baby's cheek/sole to ward off the evil eye

the sunshine glares through the windscreen
up and up goes the air-conditioning
the rush of cold air drowns out the music flowing from the speakers
up and up goes the volume of the radio to compete with the sound of the air-conditioning

you lean back into your seat
your hand settles toward the gear shaft
you feel it being lifted
caressed by a softness
that sends shivers down your spine
and goosebumps up your arm

you turn to the side and feel the presence
of something that's there...
but not there

you bite your lips with trepidation
are you alone
or are you gonna be assaulted by some unseen force?

you surrender
and give in to the moment...
coz it's just a ride

saw the above headline in my bloglines newsfeed, and had to click on it. am i the only one who thinks that the headline is worth a chuckle?

sometimes, when things are rolling along smoothly, you can't help but wonder "hmmm.. how come nothing's screwed up yet?" and you wait in anticipation to fight the fire. and sometimes it never comes!! so here i am waiting for the other shoe to drop