simulacrum of life

every laugh that emerges is accompanied by a tear in the dark of the night
every moment of silence is a moment that could be spoilt by words
every new creation comes from the destruction of the old
everyone whom i love, i'm scared that i could end up hating you
every other thing i remember, is one that should be forgotten
everytime i run away is a plea for you to tell me to stick around
every instant of elation is eventually accompanied by some form of revulsion
everyday i live on this earth, a part of me dies

i was watching the second episode of season 3 of boston public and there was a scene that struck a chord within me. 1 of the characters is harry senate who got stabbed and nearly died at the end of the previous season, so he's predictably suffering post traumatic stress and on this day, he tried to be a good samaritan and attempted to save his student whose dad was pimping her, but she didn't want to be saved, because she has to provide for her child. so she says that she'll talk to social services on the grounds that she can choose what to do after that. but they take her kid away from her and so she kidnaps the kid and runs away. how's that for a good samaritan act? the person you are trying to help has her father thrown into jail for underaged prostitution, and the girl has kidnapped her child and run away and will probably never return to school again. his girlfriend, ronnie cooke, doesn't know about the situation with the student, but she's been feeling depressed as a sortuva knock on effect of harry being the way he is, and she feels like she needs to be out of the relationship so that she can feel happy with life. it's at this point in time that he tells her about the student, and then he walks out of the house.

when she was talking about wanting out, i felt a sense of outrage on harry's behalf. i mean bad enough that the world took a collective shit on the guy. he doesn't need more shit on top of that. but then i realised, as much as it would have been nice for her to continue being with him, would it have helped? i've been in similar situations, and i've done what she did, i.e. call it quits. the rationale being that if you can't help salvage the sinking ship, it's better to save yourself than to go down with the ship. thing is, how do you define that tipping point? how do you identify that point in time where you know that no matter what you do, it ain't ever gonna be enough? some might say that if you truly loved the person, you would be with them all the way even when you know that you will both be eventually destroyed, for after all that is what it means to love. to sacrifice everything on the altar of love. as much as i'd like that to be true (at a point in time i did believe it) i don't think there are very many people who could. unlike dido, i don't think there are many of us who would have the gumption to go down with our ships.

what do you think??

as the night begins to stretch into morning, i remain awake. lost and alone. i might not act it. my actions may seem like my family is an incidental part of my life, but it's not true. it's just that i take for granted the love and stability they offer. so whilst my actions toward them may appear at times to be uncaring, love is never far from my mind. the need to love and be loved in return is great. love is not a luxury that we can live without. we can exist without love, but to experience joie de vivre, i do believe that love is an essential ingredient. to be 8000+ km away from them makes a part of me die. maybe not die, but it's in a comatose state. to just be around them to feed off their vibes. that's all i want...