simulacrum of life

hello to my 2 readers who probably have stopped checking my blog for activity. if, on the off chance you decide to read this, :D you see... in the time that i've gone missing i've actually been in prison. actually, i'm still there.. working there til the end of next year. it can be depressing. life can be a bitch. but we just roll with the punches and get up and roll along. it's not much fun blogging when you can't blog about the sometimes funny stuff in your life, because it's work related and there are laws preventing you from blogging about things at my workplace. and especially since there are really bored people around who have nothing better to do than troll the net, i think i'll refrain from blogging about anything work related which means about 80% of my life that i can't talk about.. when i start to develop more of a life out of work, i shall attempt to get back to blogging on more semi-regular basis. arrivederci!!

at a shelter in east coast park. barely 50 metres from the national sailing centre. the wind blowing strongly. the forces of nature seemed to be really active. you asked me to ask you again. i did. you agreed. we hugged. the overcast sky burst open and it poured. we sat down on the bench and got drenched by the downpour that was coming in almost horizontally. we huddled together and it we thought to ourselves that just maybe, we were being blessed by the heavens. i love you ma.

2 years and 1 day ago... it was just after i watched star wars episode 3 in sydney. as i was walking back to my place, i got a call from my sis. she told me that thatha had passed away. a part of me crumbled. another part of me felt relief that he was finally out of the misery that he had been in for the past 4 months.

2 years ago.. i landed back in singapore and got whisked away to my grandparents' house. in the evening, i felt the need to escape the wailing and i felt the need to express myself. met anuja and we drove up to kent ridge park, where we sat on a bench overlooking pasir panjang wharf and she helped me put down my thoughts into words (thanks noojie). this was the result. the eulogy was well received by those who attended the ceremony at the crematorium.

thatha, we still remember you and your influence in our lives will always be there. we miss you.

photographs capture us in that moment of time. i look at that photo, and i see how far we've come. 1 of us is no longer here (hope you're well in the afterlife), 2 of us have been detached and attached. a couple of us are no longer friends, and i used to have more hair!!! ;-(

walking along the coastal path
salt spray and cold ocean breeze
swirling around and biting
shivering in the cold
we reach out to the other
your hand finding mine

the fire pit before us
we stand before it
bedecked in garlands of flowers
we circle the pit
one tiny step at a time
always your hand in mine

lying in bed
weakened by life's pressures
the only sound
the wheezing of my chest
i squeeze your hand
one last time

she'd FINALLY agreed to come over. he decided to go all out to make it a night she wouldn't forget, starting with cocktails and then dinner and dessert and the pièce de résistance, himself. oh yea... it would indeed be a night to remember..

things were flowing along smoothly. she'd loved his mojitos, and dinner had been received very well. in fact he was beginning to wonder where she put it all. she'd polished off the entire double chocolate pudding that he'd made for dessert. now he was in his room touching up. he couldn't afford to have her taking a whiff of him and then reeling back and suddenly have something come up. he was a pro. teeth were checked for stains and food stuck between them and he used his extra strong mouthwash to eradicate any hints of the garlic from dinner.

with a spring in his step, he walked over to the couch on which she was reclining. "coffee, tea or me-AAAAAAHHHHH!!!! OOOFF!!" he exclaimed as he slipped and crashed onto the marble floor that he had just polished a couple of hours ago.

she shot up and over to him. gently cradling his head and lifting him up, she asked him if he was ok. there were jolts of pain shooting up his spine but he sure as hell wasn't about to blow his chance. "yea, honey. i'm sweet" he replied whilst grinning (or was he grimacing?) "let me just wash up, and when i get back, we'll have a night to remember" he said as he got up and hobbled to the bathroom. she got back up and sat on the couch and wondered if this wasn't a mistake.

*THUNK* she heard. she looked up and there he was on his back once again. and *oh my god* he'd passed out. she called for an ambulance, which arrived ASAP (not the few minutes you might think, more like an hour later).

****

they stepped out of the hospital, his head bandaged and she with smudged eyeliner making her look like a racoon. as they stumbled along the pavement, they saw the first rays of sunlight emerging. "yea.. that sure was a night to remember" she said to him with an effervescent smile that turned into a giggle which in turn became an all out guffaw. "OHHH!!! my head hurts!!"

the day i died, i saw the sun rise
the day i died, i smelled THAT scent
the day i died, i laughed 'til tears rolled down my cheeks
the day i died, i saw your mouth move
the day i died, i didn't hear you speak
the day i died, i turned deaf to the world
the day i died, i cried bitter tears
the day i died, i choked back the sobs and wiped away the tears
the day i died, was the day i learnt to live
the day i died, i looked up at the world defiantly
... walked onto the road and got knocked down by a bus

2 months ago, i dropped my cousin off at the hospital to deliver her 3rd child. now, 2 months later, i finally met my new nephew. with his buggy, wide open eyes, he had the look of a person in a state of perpetual shock. i picked him up from the cot and cradled him against my chest and proceeded to bounce around. a minute later, i smelled something sour. i also felt a wetness down my front. i looked down at him and saw a stream of white liquid coming from the side of his mouth. more of that had already streaked the front of my black t-shirt. what an auspicious first encounter. as i passed him back to his mother to be cleaned up, my niece who had just finished changing up in the room came running out to greet me. there she came charging toward me, waiting to be picked up, and at the last moment she veered away and told me to stay away from her :( so i went chasing after her. and that was when she decided to break my heart (for which reason i am not friending her right now) by telling me.. "mama (uncle)!! you got vomit on you. don't touch me!!" can you see the pieces of my heart lying upon the floor in a million pieces? she squeezed between my legs and stepped on the pieces of my heart as she ran away :'( and then to add insult to injury, she went and kissed the perpetrator of this dastardly act, since he was all cleaned up :P

after i got relatively cleaned up (there were still stains on my t-shirt) the little devil who was lying in his cot started crying so i picked him up again (yes i know that i should have learnt my lesson the 1st time) but this time he was quite adorable. especially since he'd been bathed and smoked (with sambrani) and powdered with baby powder. he is 1 of those kids who doesn't like to lie down. he's only happy being carried and being bounced around. he finally fell asleep after a while and then i had my rest too :)

*beep beep* goes the sound of the car alarm being disabled. he opens the door and fold himself into the car seat. start the car engine and whilst waiting for it to warm up, push the seat forward and back until it feels comfortable. raise and then lower the seat height until it feels right. adjust the rear and side view mirrors so that he sees as much of the world in retrospect as is possible. by now, the engine has started idling at a gentle purr. turn on the car stereo and put on a track that fits the mood. let off the parking brake, press down on the footbrake, push the gear stick into "drive", and start accelerating away.

...

he pulls up by the kerbside. she opens the door and jumps in. she brings along with her an air of excitement and anticipation. as he drives away, his left hand and her right hand gravitate to each other. fingers entwine, and it feels right.

...

down the winding road he drives. glancing into his mirrors occasionally to check his rear. he catches her staring at him from his peripheral vision. she likes how he seems relaxed and yet has a look of intense concentration in his eyes. her hand molds into his and she curls into the car seat, making herself as comfortable as she can get.

...

he turns away from the lot before reversing into it. the "beep" of the reverse sensor annoying the hell out of both him and her. the increasing intensity of the sound as it approaches an object having the ability to make their hearts beat faster. both can't wait to get the car out of reverse gear. finally the car is parked and the engine is turned off.

they just sit there and stare out the windscreen. fingers still entwined...