simulacrum of life

i know that the passage below may seem long, but do take the time to read it. however, if you are in a rush, at least read the passages that are in bold.

some time ago, i was in geneva for a series of interviews. at the end of a day's work, and because a woman friend i was supposed to have supper with cancelled at the last minute, i set off for a stroll around the city. it was a particularly lovely night, the streets were deserted, the bars and restaurants still full of life, and everything seemed utterly calm, orderly, pretty and yet suddenly... suddenly i realised that i was utterly alone.

needless to say, i had been alone on other occassions during the year. needless to say, my girlfriend was only two hours away by plane. needless to say, after a busy day, what could be better than a stroll through the narrow streets and lanes of the old city, without having to talk to anyone, simply enjoying the beauty around me. and yet the feeling that surfaced was one of oppressive, distressing loneliness - not having someone with whom i could share the city, the walk, the things i'd like to say.

i got out my mobile phone; after all, i had a reasonable number of friends in the city, but it was to late to phone anyone. i considered going into one of the bars and ordering a drink; someone was bound to recognise me and invite me to join them. but i esisted the temptation and tried to get through that moment, discovering, in the process, that there is nothing worse than the feeling that no one cares whether we exist or not, that no one is interested in what we have to say about life, and that the world can continue turning without our awkward presence.

i began to imagine how many millions of people were, at that moment, feeling utterly useless and wretched - however rich, charming and delightful they might be - because they were alone that night, as they were yesterday, as they might well be tomorrow. students with no one to go out with, older people sitting in front of the TV as if it were their sole salvation, businessmen in their hotel rooms, wondering if what they were doing made any sense, women who spent the afternoon carefully applying their makeup and doing their hair in order to go to a bar only to pretend that they're not looking for company; all they want is confirmation that they're still attractive; the men ogle them and chat them up, but the women reject them disdainfully, because they feel inferior and are afraid the men will find out that they're single mothers or lowly clerks with nothing to say about what's going on in the world because they work from dawn to dusk to scrape a living and have no time to read the newspapers. people who look at themselves in the mirror and think themselves ugly, believing that being beautiful is what really matters, and spend their time reading magazines in which everyone is pretty, rich and famous. husbands and wives who wish they could talk over supper like they used to, but there are always other things demanding their attention, more important things, and the conversation can always wait for a tomorrow that never comes.

that day i had lunch with a friend who had just got divorced and she said to me: 'now i can enjoy the freedom i've always dreamed of having.' but that's a lie. no one wants that kind of freedom: we all want commitment, we all want someone beside us to enjoy the beauties of geneva, to discuss books, interviews, films or even to share a sandwich with because there isn't enough money to buy one each. better to eat half a sandwich than a whole one. better to be interrupted by the man who wants to get straight back home because there's a big game on TV tonight or by the woman who stops outside a shop window and interrupts what we were saying about the cathedral tower, far better that than to have the whole of geneva to yourself with all the time and quiet in the world to visit it.

better to go hungry than to be alone. because when you're alone - and i'm talking about an enforced solitude not of our choosing - it's as if you were no longer a part of the human race.

a lovely hotel awaited me on the other side of the river, with its luxurious rooms, it's attentive employees, its five-star service. and that only made me feel worse, because i should have felt contented, satisfied with all that i had achieved.

on the way back, i passed other people in the same situation and noticed that they fell into two categories: those who looked arrogant, because they wanted to pretend they had chosen to be alone on that lovely night, and those who looked sad and ashamed of their solitary state.

i'm telling you all this because the other day i remembered being in a hotel room in amsterdam with a woman who was talking to me about her life. i'm telling you all this because, although in ecclesiastes it says there is a time to rend and a time to sew, sometimes the time to rend leaves deep scars. being with someone else and making that person feel as if they were of no importance in our life is far worse than feeling alone and miserable in the streets of geneva.

(the passages in bold are my emphasis)